A few days ago on my Instagram I posted this photo and a quick discussion about experiencing desire as a woman. Within an hour I lost several followers. I’m not stating that to have a woah is me moment. I talk about a lot of things but female sexuality and desire is a big one so if you don’t like that well…I’m not for you! But no I’m not posting that so I can whine about it. I’m saying it to make a point which is that female sexuality and desire scares the shit out of people. Other women to be particular. In the sixteen, nearly seventeen years I’ve taught pole dancing, exotic movement and empowerment I have seen waaaay more women be judgmental, afraid, scared of and even down right angry at displays of desire and sensuality by other women. I’ve been asked to perform pole for events only to see women in the audience glare at myself and any fellow performers. I’ve seen them become so angry they’ve attempted to make us fall off the pole potentially risking severe injury.
Ladies I love you with all my heart but it’s time to stop this vicious cycle of behavior. You know what I’m talking about too. It’s this cycle where one women will break free from patriarchal ideas that women are for men only, that we must have babies, be good girls but sluts for our husbands, sit down, shut up and stay in our pretty pink lanes. A mob of you will then come after her, shame, ridicule, diminish, disempower, bully and even harass her for living her unapologetic existence. Fuck that!!! We talk about men being the oppressors and while there’s plenty that are, there are just as many if not more women willing to become near violently enraged about sexual empowerment. But why? Why are so many women so damn angry about other women living their best sexual lives? Is it fear? Is it jealousy? Or is it something else? I tend to lean towards the idea of fear. Yes jealousy is in there but jealousy stems from fear as does hate.
I’ve taught thousands of women now and I can say with confidence that I have come across so many women who from early on were taught to think of their bodies as dangerous, dirty vessels used only to procreate. We live in a world where if a woman is assaulted she’s immediately made to play a game of twenty questions about what she wore, how she acted, who she was with. How gross is that?! Super gross and it’s also super sad because we’re over here feeling hurt, scared, confused, sad and people are coming at us like we wanted to feel that. We are told to be virginal but then when we get married but sexual for our husbands but not too sexual because that’s wrong. What a bunch of confusing fucked up ideas right?! We’re dangerous alright but in the way we think. When you empower a woman to see herself as she truly is, a goddess with the ability to experience otherworldly amounts of pleasure who can create life, she no longer lives by the rules placed on her.
That’s scary as hell to women who’ve been conditioned to believe all the horrible things about themselves they’ve been taught. So of course we have other women raging out about our expressed desire. That doesn’t make it ok but honestly it’s basically like taking the red pill in the matrix. Waking up from the ideas you’ve been told by everyone, many times even your own mother, is scary as hell. It challenges you to think differently about everything and everyone. This virginal idea that we are only good when we sit quietly and pretend we don’t feel desire, lust, pleasure and all the other delicious feelings we’re capable of is bullshit. But it’s bullshit we’re fed from an early age and that takes a lot to unpack. Many of us are so conditioned to believe things about our body that we experience numbness or pain even because we have no idea how to really work with our bodies. So for those of you living your best sexual desire-filled lives be kind and patient with your fellow sisters. It’s so easy to just say “she’s just a hater” and walk away but you have a responsibility to understand that woman “hating” on you has a lot of conditioning she believes.
Be open to having a conversation with her and one filled with love and compassion. For those of you shaming or becoming angry at women like me who are desire filled, pussy loving, orgasm loving goddesses openly expressing and talking about our desire and passion I challenge you. I challenge you to dive deep and ask yourself why your so upset by our displays. Why you want to turn away instantly or unfollow? Figure that out and we’ll be here with open arms and hearts because that journey to understanding your distaste can be filled with pain, confusion and anger. It’s ok, but know that whatever you’ve been taught isn’t your fault. I give you permission to explore your feelings about your own body and desire. You also have permission afterwards to live in whatever way feels best for you just try to watch the judgment on any of us open to exploring in our own way.